I have so much going on in my head and heart (as usual) but have not been in blogland for a long time. Let’s see… what’s been going on.
– Mind control (haha)
– Bunk beds
– Amnesia (just kidding – I think)
So – not a lot of clear thought happening here, that is true! So I’ll just ramble on.
In September, I felt/thought my mental health was at a point where it was possible to try going off antidepressants. While it was a great benefit to me to take antidepressants, the side effects came with it. Side effects: feeling over-mellow/subdued emotions (even the good ones) and lack of responsiveness to my dear wonderful husband. It created such a place of emotional safety, that even the happy excitement of a good snuggle, exciting trip, etc. etc. only came through as awareness that I should be feeling something. It was not a way I wanted to live forever.
I have been on a journey of self-awareness and mental self control that has grown me into a slightly more mature individual. When I experience anxiety or sadness, I now find myself asking “Why am I feeling this way?” and getting to the root of things. If I am honest with myself and secure in my faith in a good God, then I can overcome a great deal of emotional anxiety and depression. It’s a pretty exciting and powerful feeling. Now, I am still a woman (cough) and I do still get wobbly and cry for no reason, but it is better than it once was. Anyhow – to get to the point at last, I dropped from 3 pills to 2 pills in September. (side effects – a couple days of stronger emotions, then several weeks of foggy headedness.) In October, I dropped from 2 pills to 1 pill (side effects – I felt like MYSELF – it’s been wonderful!). Last weekend, I dropped the last pill and I can report a few days of emotional upheaval, but I am hopeful that things will iron out with some time and patience. We will see.
Next thing that comes to mind is my parents arriving home from Uganda at the end of October and the juxtaposition of their experiences in Uganda with our family vacation to Disneyland. I am thrilled to be spending time with my parents again and having opportunities to share our hearts and experiences with each other. My parents are some of the bravest people I know and are genuine, loving, generous and adventurous people. What a cool thing to be their daughter! Speaking of international travelers (which seems like something that should not be said in the same paragraph as anybody in my family…. believe it or not), my brother and his sweetheart just hopped on a plane with her cat, no less, to spend some years of their lives in Greece and France! Yeah! No kidding!
Despite going to Disneyland without Jordan (which felt wrong, even if it was the right choice), we had a really, really fun time with the kids and my sister’s family. It was time to play and have special times…. and we certainly did that.
I am happy to be home and regrouping… getting back into homeschooling and housekeeping and prepping for Thanksgiving and Christmas. We are a bit behind with homeschool… not sure how much, since I haven’t mapped out the whole year, but we seem to be on the right track with things. Maggie (grade K/1st) is just beginning to read on her own and is doing just fine with her first grade math book. Anna (3rd grade) is reading, writing, journaling, mathing (ha), and a good little schoolgirl. We get to go to AWANA club and art and gymnastics out of the house and it’s all a real treat for me to see them experiencing. Carolyn is 3 and is master of the adorable interruption.
I am really looking forward to redoing the girls’ bedroom and getting them all some personal spaces instead of all communal areas. Shh, don’t tell them. It’s a little hard for me to figure out a reasonable budget for this project. It’s hard for me to figure out how much money to spend on any non-essential project, really. I find my heart continually torn between my desires and the needs of other people. Like people who are hungry. Being internationally connected means that my world and the other worlds on this planet are messily merged. On on hand I know that it is a great thing to make a room more comfortable and appropriate. On the other hand, I see our richness with more clarity than is comfortable. Do you know what posho is? It’s a ground flour/starch thing with the nutritional value something like white rice. It doesn’t taste like much, but it’s a good inexpensive carb for those who can’t afford much. But imagine having only posho to feed your kids… no meat, no beans, no rice, no vegetables, nothing but posho. It makes it kind of hard to put fancy groceries like crackers, hamburger, apples… you know… good healthy foods into my cupboard in such abundance. Even though it is good to feed my family wholesome food, I could certainly do it more simply and cheaply. Should I? Welcome to my brain.
Guess what!? Jordan has his first loose tooth. He’s 6 1/2 years old. He has a fantastic school with awesome teachers and is downstairs banging on the piano and shrieking about something (hopefully not getting naked and peeing on stuff) in the other room. He’s my little guy and I’m proud to be his mama.
Ok folks – that’s enough rambling from me. I don’t really know what I’m talking about anyway. My head is spinning a bit from vertigo and I didn’t sit down with anything I wanted to communicate… except that I’m still here and life is still full.